CLI Reflection by Jill Mizokami

In being confused, upset, and impatient, I have been asking a lot of questions to myself that lead me to think more about my family, my life, and where it fits into the world. Meeting up with people in CLI challenged me to open my peripheral views and consider things that I can't always see. With each person I have been honored to hear speak, or to be next to, or to eat with, it felt like a surreal because it was like we couldn't just talk. It was always more than that, in respecting that we were only together for 3 days, and that we were all there for our own reasons, but our reasons may not have been too different. I'm thinking that part of it is because the last time I saw mostly everyone was in the summer, when most of us were new to each other and new to the program. Although I was not always apart of the discussions in the same intimacy, I still felt that the closeness and willingness to figure ourselves out as individuals, but together. People are deep. We are all deep deep deep histories and realities, so deep and complicated. This is something I am being reminded of here. On the day to day, everyone you see on the street, in the bus, at the store…has suit cases and suit cases of tales of where they have been and what they have seen or felt. For me, CLI has been and opportunity that doesn't come too often. We are pushed to go inside further where the sun doesn't shine enough to light up the books we are reading. It is such a privilege to be able to go there with people in a somewhat protected setting, a place where it is semi-safe. In the accords that we have been focusing on, there are a few that I have been really trying to remember in my every day life. Especially around my family, in this holiday season, I've extremely impatient and defensive. I know that it comes from many places of frustration and inner conflict within myself, but I also know that it has a lot to do with issues we haven't yet as a family dealt with. This is the most difficult situation since coming back to LA. Living with family, and having to really protect my family from myself is difficult especially when I see them every day. When I say protect, I am talking about specifically hiding a pretty large part of my lifestyle from them in order to keep everything manageable. I have to remember CLI and how humble and open that space allowed me to feel, so I can open my heart to people who hurt me. As for what is going on around me, I feel like I am only starting to learn how to be patient with myself and my enviornment, in believing that everything is everything, like the Lauryn Hill song. Also, I have decided that I want to start teaching. Because of the power I see in a learning enviornment like CLI, I realized that I need to start taking responsibility in my thoughts and inspirations. I am not sure how I am going to teach formally, but it is something I will start to take direction on. Michael has inspired me as a teacher, Ravi, Fusi, Isaiah....everyone has inspired me to do what they do.